Tuesday, September 16, 2008
What we do for Love
I was watching a movie documentary "Life on the Mesa" about this place in New Mexico where an assorted mix of people go to live, misfits, people who can't exactly live normal middle class lives for various reasons. Most of the people are old, some veterans, some mentally ill, and there is a young single white woman, a runaway, who gets pregnant. She looks so incredibly happy. I remember looking like that when I was pregnant. "She's looking desperately for someone to love" a old man says. Not in a judgmental way, like that's a bad thing - but it could be said like that's a bad thing. People do. I've heard it said about poor, black, single mothers. But what do I have in common with that drug addled runaway? I, too was desperate for a baby to love. We all are desperate for something to love. I was desperately longing - And unlike the girl in the move, I had a family-- parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins, cats, a - plenty of beings to love who loved me. I even had a husband who told me that I was all that he needed to love, and he didn't need a baby. But I did. I brought some beings into the world, not for any ideological reasons, not because I think God ordained people to live in families, just because I wanted something to hold that was all my own. And that is the best reason to have children - just to have something to love. Another good reason to have a baby is to give it to someone else to love. And those are the only good reasons to have a baby ever. But there are accidents, and there are tragedies. To have a baby because there was an accident or a tragedy and you have no other options is not a good reason.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
"Put My Little Shoes Away", or why people do not dress fetuses in shoes
I think one reason people assign the same value to a fetus as they do to a child is that they do not know what it is like to lose a child. It doesn’t happen that much anymore, here and now where most Americans live. People think that all the children they know will live to adulthood, or at any rate none of their own children will be lost. Since odds are their own children will not die young, fetus lovers are free to concentrate their hysterical energies on fetuses.
I don’t know how someone could claim to love their miscarried fetus as much as they love their 5 year old child. I do know someone who does. And I think “poor kid” and I mean the living one.
People weren’t always so blasé about the deaths of children when it happened more often. Look at all those 19th century folk songs about dead and dying children. The quote below is from a fairly well know folk song where the narrator is the voice of a dead child singing to the mother:
“Tell my loving little playmates
that I never more shall play
Give them all my toys, but Mother
Put my little shoes away.”
Why does this wrench our hearts? Why do I remember it when I heard it sung once, 15 years ago at a folk song festival? What exactly are the elements of pathos presented here?
A. The child knows. She is a conscious being, and conscious of her own death. She has to leave her mother, and she knows her mother will cry.
B. The child has shoes. He has a recognizably human form.
Why are there no songs about dead fetuses? A fetus does not wear shoes.
A fetus does not know it will die. It does not know it has a mother. You can’t dress a fetus. Well, maybe you can put a bit of white cloth on it before you bury it and pretend it made it all the way to being a baby. But you can't put shoes on it. Baby shoes are for babies.
A child is a part of human society, a fetus is not.
The death of a fetus may be a private tragedy, but to equate it to the death of a child is insane – as insane as putting little booties on a poor stillborn creature. Or a creature that does not have feet.
Go into any 19th century cemetery. Look at the stones for the dead children.
Sarah. Age 6 months 5 days.
Nathanial, aged 4 years, 3 months, 2 days.
Mary. Four days.
Lives so short they counted the days. Lives so short, but part of human society long enough to get a stone. If it was a child it got a stone. If it was a miscarriage it did not. I know this because my grandmother had 13 living children, one stillbirth, and a bunch of miscarraiges, and there was only one stone. Her miscarriages were unfortunate, private events, not births of children. (Even my father didn't know, it was my cousin who found out from an Aunt. My father says he comes from a family of 13 children, even the stillbirth doesn't quite count for him, though he is anti abortion and claims to value fetuses as much as babies). 19th century parents were not crazy. They knew the difference between a fetus and a child, and they did not dishonor their children by pretending they are the same thing.
I don’t know how someone could claim to love their miscarried fetus as much as they love their 5 year old child. I do know someone who does. And I think “poor kid” and I mean the living one.
People weren’t always so blasé about the deaths of children when it happened more often. Look at all those 19th century folk songs about dead and dying children. The quote below is from a fairly well know folk song where the narrator is the voice of a dead child singing to the mother:
“Tell my loving little playmates
that I never more shall play
Give them all my toys, but Mother
Put my little shoes away.”
Why does this wrench our hearts? Why do I remember it when I heard it sung once, 15 years ago at a folk song festival? What exactly are the elements of pathos presented here?
A. The child knows. She is a conscious being, and conscious of her own death. She has to leave her mother, and she knows her mother will cry.
B. The child has shoes. He has a recognizably human form.
Why are there no songs about dead fetuses? A fetus does not wear shoes.
A fetus does not know it will die. It does not know it has a mother. You can’t dress a fetus. Well, maybe you can put a bit of white cloth on it before you bury it and pretend it made it all the way to being a baby. But you can't put shoes on it. Baby shoes are for babies.
A child is a part of human society, a fetus is not.
The death of a fetus may be a private tragedy, but to equate it to the death of a child is insane – as insane as putting little booties on a poor stillborn creature. Or a creature that does not have feet.
Go into any 19th century cemetery. Look at the stones for the dead children.
Sarah. Age 6 months 5 days.
Nathanial, aged 4 years, 3 months, 2 days.
Mary. Four days.
Lives so short they counted the days. Lives so short, but part of human society long enough to get a stone. If it was a child it got a stone. If it was a miscarriage it did not. I know this because my grandmother had 13 living children, one stillbirth, and a bunch of miscarraiges, and there was only one stone. Her miscarriages were unfortunate, private events, not births of children. (Even my father didn't know, it was my cousin who found out from an Aunt. My father says he comes from a family of 13 children, even the stillbirth doesn't quite count for him, though he is anti abortion and claims to value fetuses as much as babies). 19th century parents were not crazy. They knew the difference between a fetus and a child, and they did not dishonor their children by pretending they are the same thing.
The only true pro-lifers are the Amish
This about a person who was my friend, who is a Catholic, and who would be OK with it if, under certain circumstances, her son took a gun and blew my daughter's head off.
There was a woman I met in the park when our sons were little. We had a lot in common, including having graduated from the same university, and our sons even had the same name. We hung out with each other with our kids and our husbands, and we both had a daughter next.
She is a Catholic. She is pro-(fetal)life. I am a Protestant, raised pacifist. I am pro-choice, no longer a pacifist but more of a just war theorist - a moral war can be waged in certain very limited circumstances. None of which I have seen I my lifetime.
Many years later, now that our sons are older, and their family has moved away, it occurs to me that I am raising my son to believe that there are no circumstances under which it would be OK for him to take a gun and blow her daughter's head off. She is raising her son to believe that under a number of circumstances it would be OK, evan a great and good thing, for her son to take a gun and blow my daughters head off. (Circumstances such as: she is an enemy solder, she is in the way of her son trying to get to an enemy solder, she is target practice as he is training to shoot enemy soldiers, etc., etc.) That family had a lot of war toys for their boy, they talked a lot about war and how necessary it was, and they were quite knowledgable about all the cool weapons that are used in a war.
They love war and killing, but reasonable people disagree on the circumstances under which is it morally permissible to take human life, and they are just more into killing than I am. They think there are quite a few circumstances under which it is OK to kill, whereas I think the circumstances are extremely limited. But I don't go around blathering that I’m "pro-life", like they do. Remember: the only true "pro-lifers" are the Amish, who are against abortion, the death penalty, and all wars. No one else has the right to say they are pro-life with a straight face unless they believe as the Amish do.
When I think how the person who was my friend says she is "pro-life" I know that this is a disgusting, filthy and vile lie, There is something about a family that teaches their son that it is OK, a duty, (and fun!) to kill, then calling themselves "pro-life"… Something about them… something… hypocritical….now what's the word I'm looking for? Evil.
There was a woman I met in the park when our sons were little. We had a lot in common, including having graduated from the same university, and our sons even had the same name. We hung out with each other with our kids and our husbands, and we both had a daughter next.
She is a Catholic. She is pro-(fetal)life. I am a Protestant, raised pacifist. I am pro-choice, no longer a pacifist but more of a just war theorist - a moral war can be waged in certain very limited circumstances. None of which I have seen I my lifetime.
Many years later, now that our sons are older, and their family has moved away, it occurs to me that I am raising my son to believe that there are no circumstances under which it would be OK for him to take a gun and blow her daughter's head off. She is raising her son to believe that under a number of circumstances it would be OK, evan a great and good thing, for her son to take a gun and blow my daughters head off. (Circumstances such as: she is an enemy solder, she is in the way of her son trying to get to an enemy solder, she is target practice as he is training to shoot enemy soldiers, etc., etc.) That family had a lot of war toys for their boy, they talked a lot about war and how necessary it was, and they were quite knowledgable about all the cool weapons that are used in a war.
They love war and killing, but reasonable people disagree on the circumstances under which is it morally permissible to take human life, and they are just more into killing than I am. They think there are quite a few circumstances under which it is OK to kill, whereas I think the circumstances are extremely limited. But I don't go around blathering that I’m "pro-life", like they do. Remember: the only true "pro-lifers" are the Amish, who are against abortion, the death penalty, and all wars. No one else has the right to say they are pro-life with a straight face unless they believe as the Amish do.
When I think how the person who was my friend says she is "pro-life" I know that this is a disgusting, filthy and vile lie, There is something about a family that teaches their son that it is OK, a duty, (and fun!) to kill, then calling themselves "pro-life"… Something about them… something… hypocritical….now what's the word I'm looking for? Evil.
Respect for the Dead
Hey fetus lovers, let's have a little respect for the dead. What’s with the 5 feet high pictures of fetuses that those protesters were holding up on a public sidewalk in my city the other day? We were just all trying to get to work and there they were pushing images of dead fetuses in our face. This proves that fetus lovers don’t really think of fetuses as children, even as they insist that we do - otherwise they would have some respect for the dead. Mothers of children killed by drunk drivers don't seek to make their point by holding up 5 feet high posters of mangled children who died in car wrecks. Mothers of sons and daughters killed in Iraq don't wave pictures of blown up bodies of their children to prove a political point.
Talking to my friends about it, the ones who never had miscarriages were just annoyed that someone was holding up big signs and preventing them getting to where they wanted to go. The ones who had experienced miscarriages were very upset. What kind of people would deliberately set out to remind an innocent woman of her own tragedy, when that woman was simply trying to get to work. Just a bunch of disgusting hypocrites who don't really think she lost a child, otherwise they would not be waving a picture of a dead fetus in her face and reminding her of it.
Interesting that the taboo against using images of dead children does not apply to fetuses, because fetuses are not children, even to the fetus lovers.
Talking to my friends about it, the ones who never had miscarriages were just annoyed that someone was holding up big signs and preventing them getting to where they wanted to go. The ones who had experienced miscarriages were very upset. What kind of people would deliberately set out to remind an innocent woman of her own tragedy, when that woman was simply trying to get to work. Just a bunch of disgusting hypocrites who don't really think she lost a child, otherwise they would not be waving a picture of a dead fetus in her face and reminding her of it.
Interesting that the taboo against using images of dead children does not apply to fetuses, because fetuses are not children, even to the fetus lovers.
Monday, September 8, 2008
To the Republicans on Family Matters: Why is it only YOUR family that matters?
What about all the other families in the world?
When my cousin Jan was dying of AIDS at St. Vincent's in New York, he told me this from his hospital bed - the last time we saw each other - he said to me, Mama Shark, your Dad has been such a support for me. He talked with me a lot."
"That's good" I said, trying to hide my total shock. Because the Dad I knew hated gays, made jokes, said they had all the rights they needed, gay rights would hurt families. I guess he didn't say those things to Jan. To my Dad, family is family, and you support them no matter what. I'm torn - I don't know whether I should admire the man who overcame his own prejudices to be there for the person who really needed him, or to shake him and say, "You idiot! There are other people just like Jan who could use some compassion too!"
That was over 10 years ago - I know because my own son was just 1 year old at the time, and Jan gave me a Teddy bear to give to him. Which I still have, my son outgrew it, Jan died and now it's mine. So now I think, did Jan know my Dad was hateful in that way, and he was trying to show me a different side of him? Or was Jan totally lying, being catty and sarcastic in a gay sort of way? Or was he just trying to make family conversation? David Hume posited (in that elegant, 18th century way) that when faced with a phenomenon, you have to go with the explanation that is the most likely, so I have to think that Jan,who came to every family reunion until he was too sick to travel, was just making family conversation.
Jan really mattered to me. He really mattered to my Dad. I wouldn't vote for anyone that would pass laws that would harm people like Jan, and here is where my Dad and I part ways.
When my cousin Jan was dying of AIDS at St. Vincent's in New York, he told me this from his hospital bed - the last time we saw each other - he said to me, Mama Shark, your Dad has been such a support for me. He talked with me a lot."
"That's good" I said, trying to hide my total shock. Because the Dad I knew hated gays, made jokes, said they had all the rights they needed, gay rights would hurt families. I guess he didn't say those things to Jan. To my Dad, family is family, and you support them no matter what. I'm torn - I don't know whether I should admire the man who overcame his own prejudices to be there for the person who really needed him, or to shake him and say, "You idiot! There are other people just like Jan who could use some compassion too!"
That was over 10 years ago - I know because my own son was just 1 year old at the time, and Jan gave me a Teddy bear to give to him. Which I still have, my son outgrew it, Jan died and now it's mine. So now I think, did Jan know my Dad was hateful in that way, and he was trying to show me a different side of him? Or was Jan totally lying, being catty and sarcastic in a gay sort of way? Or was he just trying to make family conversation? David Hume posited (in that elegant, 18th century way) that when faced with a phenomenon, you have to go with the explanation that is the most likely, so I have to think that Jan,who came to every family reunion until he was too sick to travel, was just making family conversation.
Jan really mattered to me. He really mattered to my Dad. I wouldn't vote for anyone that would pass laws that would harm people like Jan, and here is where my Dad and I part ways.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Who is MamaShark? And Why?
Who?
Just a regular Mom in a midwestern city. I have some children, a husband, a moderately successful career - just like most politicians, although alas I have not yet been named as a Vice Presidential candidate.
Why?
Because I have a daughter. And that woman who has been named as a Vice Presidential candidate is against abortion in the case of rape. Which means that my daughter, should she ever be unfortunate to have that terrible thing happen, would be FORCED TO BEAR THE CHILD OF HER RAPIST if the Republicans have their way. They want the government to force girls to bear the children of their rapists. Incredible, but true. Just ask Sarah Palin.
So after yelling at my father, who says he DOES NOT believe that girls should be forced to bear the children of their rapists, but who nevertheless DOES support Sarah Palin, what can I do? (Family-wise, that's a tough one. How do you deal with a family member who claims to love your children but who neverthless supports politicians whose policies could lead to your children's great harm? But that is a personal question and not the topic of this blog.)
I am starting this blog because I am a Mom and I have a daughter, and here is my message to Sarah Palin - hands off. You watch your dauther, I will watch mine. Her body is my business until it is her business, and it will never be your business or the government's business.
I'm just your average liberal Mom who will fight for my kids forever. That's why they call me MamaShark, because I defend my young.
MamaShark
Just a regular Mom in a midwestern city. I have some children, a husband, a moderately successful career - just like most politicians, although alas I have not yet been named as a Vice Presidential candidate.
Why?
Because I have a daughter. And that woman who has been named as a Vice Presidential candidate is against abortion in the case of rape. Which means that my daughter, should she ever be unfortunate to have that terrible thing happen, would be FORCED TO BEAR THE CHILD OF HER RAPIST if the Republicans have their way. They want the government to force girls to bear the children of their rapists. Incredible, but true. Just ask Sarah Palin.
So after yelling at my father, who says he DOES NOT believe that girls should be forced to bear the children of their rapists, but who nevertheless DOES support Sarah Palin, what can I do? (Family-wise, that's a tough one. How do you deal with a family member who claims to love your children but who neverthless supports politicians whose policies could lead to your children's great harm? But that is a personal question and not the topic of this blog.)
I am starting this blog because I am a Mom and I have a daughter, and here is my message to Sarah Palin - hands off. You watch your dauther, I will watch mine. Her body is my business until it is her business, and it will never be your business or the government's business.
I'm just your average liberal Mom who will fight for my kids forever. That's why they call me MamaShark, because I defend my young.
MamaShark
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